Am I realistic?
 

Hi all!

I am 50 years old and going though a divorce with wife of 18 years. Have 2 kids in secondary level. Got the custody for them.

Was wondering the road ahead for me. Should I search for a new relationship again? But going through a failed marriage sort of makes me scared. So marriage option not appealing to me. Wonder if there are ladies out there, maybe also a divorcee or an older single who is willing to be a "life" partner with me? I can't promise marriage but I can supporting us (she and me) financially (normal mid class couple expenditure) till we grow old together. I know there is no black and white binding this relationship and any side of the party can easily end it. Do you think there are people out there who are ok with this? Am I being unrealistic? Any advice, personal experiences are greatly appreciated!

Re: Am I realistic?
 

A "marriage" is merely a piece of paper that imposes obligations while offering no benefits whatsoever for the man.

My advice is to enjoy the new found freedom for the time being and avoid making any commitments for a while. If you want sex please patronise our advertisers as they are the ones who help pay the overheads of running this forum. :)

All relationships meander along a similar path and in the majority of cases become nothing more than a mundane coexistence so expect more of the same as time goes by if you jump headlong into a new relationship. The euphoria of a fresh start may last a couple of years and after that you're back to sqaure one. :D

Re: Am I realistic?
 

You are asking a question that is very hypothetical and you had already made some assumptions on the result.
This is also a question many are asking and seeking (men and women) for an answer which is not ez to find.
Human relation is very complex. Will suggest, just let it be. What is bound to happen, will happen.
At 50, live free and enjoy. Go with the heart. There's nothing to be realistic or unrealistic about human relationship.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Since you have custody of your 2 kids, be the best parent you can to them. Leave everything else to what is meant to be. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. We just have to accept it gracefully.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Thank you all for your sound advices!

Boss Sammy, yes,if the sexual urge is too great, will turn to your sponsors! Thanks for the great job running this forum! Also, I know most relationships are like a vicious cycle, started off good but turn worse and worse. Maybe I am holding on to hope that the next one will be different from my ex?

Bro huayingxiong, thanks! You insight is indeed deep and valuable. Everyone is different. Just want to find out if there is a norm where a couple stayed together till old without marriage? I remembered one of an elder colleague many years ago had a partner like that. Never married but also together. Rare case?

Bro bebe69, Thanks! And Yes! Of course the kids are my priorities. That was why I fought for yhem. One going off to NS in 3 year time and the other going to JC or poly. But I can't just put all emphasis on them. They will leave home one day and I will be all alone. Got to think of my later years too.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

I hope things work out for you. Just one issue....i'm not a Bro!

There are plenty of divorcee out there in pretty much the same situation as you and also looking for life partners. At this age, I do not think getting married is a must for them at all.

If you are going to put financial support on the plate, than this relationship will most likely be unbalanced and unhealthy.
If you are interested, there's a thread somewhere that a bro is pulling strings for woman in financial hardship. You can be their knights in shiny armour.

And I think they dun mind to have someone like you in their lives.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Sorry Sis bebe69! Thanks for your well wishes.

Thanks bro sexcision! Yah, may seem like sugar relationship but that is not exactly what I want. I want something like a one to one, taking care of small things in life relationship. Like how normal couples would do. Living and spending time together type.

If I don't put financial assurance, I wonder how many ladies are ok with it? I am not good looking and come with a son and daughter in the package.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Let Nature takes its course.

There is no need to commit to any relationship yet. It is not a MUST you need to have a marriage. End of the day everything just goes to dust. Live to the fullest. Have fun and enjoy spending time with your kids first.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

It's best that you take a pause on seeking relationship especially after your divorce and put your focus on your two children.

Time will pass very fast and soon your children will start working and then you can start to seek your own happiness.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Thanks again! But the thought of bringing up the kids alone is a bit taunting. The boy is fine but it's the girl I am worried about. Closer to mom and I'm not good with girlie stuffs.

Also, by the time they are independent, that might be another 10 years. Will be 60 then. Who would want an old man then?

May I know what the other divorcees are doing after the split? In terms of relationship? Both from the sexes perception?

Re: Am I realistic?
 

there are people out there who are ok with divorced people. i myself too am divorced with 1 kid and my new partner is fine with it.

Thanks for the encouragement! May I know if your new partner is expecting to get married with you?

Re: Am I realistic?
 

yes you are realistic

Re: Am I realistic?
 

It is never too late for any Human to fall in love, proven by Humanity for centuries. Age is no barrier. Only that love at 1st sight does not exists. Such is not love, but only possession.

True love takes time, & often is built up, from friendship into a more intimate relationship, as it will take time to KNOW each other better. A friend is someone you can trust & count on & loyal to you, as you to her as well, & if either party is not comfortable with each other, break ups happen, out of free will & save each other from further quagmire into a loveless marriage.

No Human is meant to live life alone. There are many ways to make friends, thru healthy pursuit hobbies & sports - cooking, social dances, swimming, jogging, community events, charity drives, religious classes, etc.

However, even if you found someone, you & your partner must be prepared to face your kids that you love. If they resent it, you both will have family issues & may even be deemed a dirty old man whom cannot keep sexual urges at bay with your age, OR, if they are matured enough, will realize you are a Human & do have needs, but sadly, at their age, they will not be matured enough to deal with it.

Thus, in any relationship, be it with a new companion or with kids that you love, honest no hold but peaceful COMMUNICATION is necessary, not just once, but several times, to repeat, reinforce & inculcate common grounds agreed upon, in order to build up a comfortable relationship with all in your life.

The first & last thing you should NEVER do is to look for love & companionship in the WRONG places, such as massage palours & KTVs. Such places are only PAID FANTASIES. For a few dollars, you will be entertained, the way one is entertained by going to the cinema. It is just pure escapism, perhaps to resolve a mental & physical need to be a Human.

Have a budget to spend, then when the night ends, so too the fantasy, have a good sleep & be refreshed to face REAL challenges of the day. Women working in such places are only in it for the money & will have regulars supporting them, & even have YOUNG real boyfriends that they can relate to, awaiting them at home. In such PAID fantasies, the MORE money you give, will only earn MORE services in return. Such is NOT love, but only a transaction. Thus, do not live in delusions...

All the best.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

As a rule of thumb, this is the case for majority of bros out there to avoid getting hurt. On further examination, it isn't the case.

People who work in massage palours and KTVs are just like any other professions out there. In retrospect, all are working for money, not everyone can work in above said professions due to societal pressure.

It is still certainly able to find love and companionship in these two places.
If you think about what builds love and companionship, you should be able to unravel this riddle. HAHAHA.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

i agree, chances are slim due to the nature of the job, but still not impossible. however not advised due to high chance of getting hurt

Re: Am I realistic?
 

we have not yet discuss it as we just got together not too long ago. but the intention of us getting together is not for the short term, so i guess it is within consideration.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Bro, when u say rare, means there is still cases right? So does this answer your question, haha.
Again, you concurred that everyone is different or to be more exact, every family is different. So, anything can happen.
My very advice, we are about the same age, probably going thru the same thing at this moment. Different of you and me, you have the burden of 2 kids which for me, the caring can be leave to the other half. However, that's not to say I don have any burden as for the past 20 over years, we are single income. So, she can take care of the every day staff, end of the day, money will still have to come from me.
And for the future you are considering, I always said this to myself, once bitten twice shy. Will I want to go thru the same shit again? Of course, many will disagree that there is still hope, chances of finding a right partner. Realistically, every thing come at a price. The price is of course financial stability, the mean to live, to survive. So before you take your next move, ask yourself, why should one settle with you? What are you able to give to her?
At this very moment, need care for your children, get a helper. Need sex, go commercial. Take your time to settle down and decide on if you really need a partner, whether legally tie down or a relation that is without commitment.
Just remember, your problem is unique. This is a common thing which many men and women are facing, especially at our age

Cheers

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Typo,

Your problem is not unique, haha

Re: Am I realistic?
 

TS is eager to find his 2nd spring aka sexual partner but I would advise him to take his time so as not to jump from a boiling pot onto a frying pan

Thanks again! This advice is really useful especially the financial side of things. Yes, have to rethink my priorities. Now everything is for the kids, then next time when they leave their nest, then consider more. Maybe taking up a hobby? Joining some group activities? My main regret is that I can still have sex easily but i won't be able to "make love" anymore 😭

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Regret as in? Getting divorce and no more love making?:D
Good that you are still strong at your age.
I have being advice, have a life, move out. (I am separated and yet staying under same roof, different room). The thing is, when I move out and stay alone, that is call having a life? So till now, I am still seeking for my answer.
In life, there is so much of consideration. So at this moment, I keep things simple. Simple is beauty :d

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Yes, making love. It is different from having sex. Having sex is just the physical part of the sexual act whereas making love is the sexual act where we have a connection, we concern about each other's feeling and satisfaction, the hugging and living kisses, and the waking up saying good morning to each other. Those I will miss and something I won't get from commercial arrangements

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Have you analysed why you and your wife went separate ways?

It is always a novelty and sexciting when you meet someone new but as time times passes novelty wears off and true colours appear.

If I were you, I would be very careful about selecting my next partner after what I had gone through especially after a divorce.

Yes, what you said is very true. After years together, sex with her became predictable. Guess we should have tried to spice things up or learn new things but we didn't. That's why she found another partner who obviously satisfied her ways I can't.

But then again, sex is not everything in marriage, right? Trust, responsibility, loyalty, commitment plays a large part too right? No any couples can claim they do everything well. Whatever is shortcoming, you accept (unless the shortcomings are too big a huddle to cross)and judge him/her with their other qualities as a whole, right?

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Bro you are very clear abt lust and love, which is good.

Just too bad if you cant satisfy her (in which ever way) and she decided to move on.

Yes. Sex is not everything about marriage. I did not have sex for at least 5 years with her and I had abandon commercial for more than 10 years.

My problem did not originate from lack of sex. It started from a simple comment from my friend: For the family, we are the men, so endure is the only way. And so I ask myself, why should I keep enduring? And the volcano erupted.

FYI, my threshold is damn high. One of my fren is surprise when I told him so as he says, why no more enduring since I had been doing that for the past 20 over yrs.

Nevertheless, just for sharing. As time goes by, small little trivial things can become big issue in a relation

Take your time to settle down and then move forward when you know what u are looking for.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

So it is your wife who cheated on you and that's the reason you are divorcing her and gained custody of your children?

To be blunt, when you choose a person to be a life partner, it is a 2 way street; what she see in you to be with you? What can you offer to that person to like you? Single, handsome & rich?

Perhaps you should take this opportunity to feel like a single again and enjoy this newfound freedom without having to answer to anyone.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

The mistake I made was to believe in so called prestigious research studies from international institutes on Human behavioral studies, that men are more highly sexual driven than women.

In reality, sexual drive is the same in both Human male & female species, no matter the age, based upon my life's experiences...

I would like to share a personal experience with you.

I met a wonderful lady once. She was no model standard, nor a plain Jane. We met during a seminar, & I was not looking for love. It was just she had insights that I sought, & honestly, I was charmed by the light that sparkled in her eyes, her cheeky smile often & especially by the brain behind all that.

I sought to discuss with her over issues, & gradually, based upon liked minds, we connected, & overtime, developed further than normal acquaintance but into intimacy, as we were comfortable with each other. Each time we met, regardless if it was at Starbacks, or a hot & sweaty hawker stall, ultimately ended up in a hotel room.

Over time, I felt strongly that she was the one I had sought for long, & invited her to live with me, in my apartment, as I am single, & hoped that with more time, she will be my eventual partner in the journey of life...

As she was single too, & living in 4rm flat in AMK sharing with her parents & brother, she agreed, but she jokingly made a condition - that we cannot make love every nite, based upon her presumption that I was a satyr, as each time we spent together, we made love not once, but few times in the night. She jokingly told me that she does not want to walk like a crab, with opened legs, the next morning to office...

For the next few months we greatly enjoyed our love making. However, as time flew by, being professionals, our responsibilities grew bigger, & made worse by me whom placed priorities on work higher than my own life, almost married to my work. She was a far better manager of priorities than me, & eventually, our love making got lesser & lesser..& on lonely nites, she told me I was ignoring her, which I never did, as no matter how late I had to do my work at home, after work, I would cuddle up to her, kissed her, etc...but just too tired to make love...

My view is that life does not revolves around the bed alone, but with many other issues to consider....

Eventually, she had a career offer, to head the company's dept in Germany. We made love that nite, knowing that it will be the last time we would see each other again...

We tried to keep in contact, but it is never the same as being physically together... The last I knew was that she married a very junior colleague in her dept, whom have little responsibility & could give her all the time she needed...I wish them well...

As for myself, I moved on with my life. I am no celibate & only Human with needs & equally priorities in life. In moments of Human needs I would patronize establishments where companionship is TRANSACTIONAL, & even then, even popular & loved by the ladies there, I would never cheat them of their future, most of times only mere touches, hugs & kisses to feel Human again than a robot that most of the times I think I am becoming...

The point of my post is that you are not alone. Your situation is different from mine, but do not be ignorant of women & their NEEDS.

Male & female are as different as Mars & Venus. There will be many factors in life that you would have to take into consideration, now that you are single again, but still TETHERED with family ethos, not just your kids, but your parents, relatives, friends & career too.

Never be afraid to know love again. Age is never a barrier to love, only one -being a Singaporean, have to be pragmatic, to resolve as many known issues first & courageously whenever issues crop up, thru communication & open honest discussions with those whom matter in your life.

All the best...

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Bro Williamshakspear, I feel for you. I am sort of same with you. Except that we were together more than 20 years. She has a change of career, she has a new lover, she wants to move to another country. While I worked to stay loyal, no change in my love to her, stay committed. When she wants to leave, she finds all the things she has problem with me and laid them in front of me. I argued back all the things I have done but she countered back those are only common sense and norm. In the end, there was nothing I can say. When someone wants to leave you, you are always in the wrong. Maybe that is for the best. If she left having all these negative thoughts of me will convince her that her life will be better, so be it. That was how much I still love her before we separated. Not wanting her to feel bad of her choice.