To annul or divorce
 

Hi Guys,

I don't know if this is the right place to post but I need serious and objective help please.

So about 1 year and 10 months ago, I got married to my now-wife. Thinking back, I already didn't feel confident about how the marriage will go. I was very hesitant before the wedding-ROM date, I wished I had called it off but relatives from afar and friends have already been invited. My wife back then also told me that she had a lot of fear and anxiety before the wedding.

There was a point before the marriage that she ran off for an overseas trip with her friend while in the midst of wedding preparation and saying to call it off, leaving me alone to deal with the mess.

We were not doing well even before the marriage but I tell myself it is because of her wedding anxiety and that things will get better after we get married. So i bit the bullet and went ahead. However things did not get better, and continued to agitate easily and I often feel picked on.

Earlier this year in April, we already started to separate and sleep in different bedrooms. We have tried marital counselling for many sessions (10?) and have decided that our marriage isn't working and are going to end it.

My dilemma is this: we have 2 options, either to annul or to divorce.
But to annul, we will suffer about 50k loss to HDB as we will have to surrender it back to HDB, good thing is we will be singles again and also the whole thing comes to a closure earlier.
The other option is to wait another 3.5 years to meet the minimum occupancy period of 5 years and sell it to open market. If we do this, the next 3.5 years she gets to stay in the current 5-rm flat, she does not have a place to go back to because her parents were also divorced. I have no intentions of staying here anymore because I'd like to move on and start afresh. There will likely be no loss, but it is a drag of another 3.5 years and at the end a divorcee..

Other info: I have been paying for the monthly installments since we got the house. I have also been paying for all the instalments of the electrical appliances, bills etc. We still owe my parents close to 20k in debt for the reno loan. I am 32 this year.

I know in the end I will need to depend on myself to come to a decision, but appreciate perspectives/questions from more angles so that I can come to the best resolution.

Thank you brothers.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Money lost can be earned back. U can easily see the money in your bank within 2-3 yrs as long as u got a career.
Time lost can never come back. Waste 3.5 yrs of both your time just because need HDB flat to hit MOP?

reno 20k, this is sunk cost. whatever your decision now, u still have to fork out this 20k reno loan. So this shouldnt even be factored into your decision making.
Sad to hear about your installments. I really dont see why would people buy appliances via installments? The installments piling up can kill u if something bad happens to u financially. These debts really limits your choice a lot.

Regarding your flat, have anyone u can tag name with and keep the flat? parent or parents? sibling?
U already got your flat and started paying, so hdb dont think there's deposit to lose. Either will be forced sale or hdb take back and pay u 90% of current valuation. This u need to check with hdb.

Well, wrong marriage is always damaging. be prepared to sacrifice something whether its divorce or annul. Sacrifice time? or sacrifice money?
The more u try to save everything, the more damaging to your life it will become.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Because the installment is interest-free so it makes sense.

Can't takeover the flat because <MOP and also <35 y/o. HDB will take back and I will incur 50k loss if annul. I have checked. but on the other hand, i waste another 3.5 years and sell to open market to minimise loss.


thanks for your input bro

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Annul.
Being single..... oh, how I long for those care-free days....

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Cut lost...no point hanging on a toxic relationship.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

most people annul

bitterness, hatred breeds when it drags on

Re: To annul or divorce
 

To sum it up, lose $50k or 3.5yrs?

By the way, an annulment needs a valid reason. What will you come up with?

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Its not difficult to get an annulment as long as both parties are in agreement and kept their stories straight. One common reason is to tell the court that the marriage was unconsummated.

To TS:

What does your wife want? A divorce or annulment? Her wishes matters a lot, as the local courts tend to favour the female party in judgments. So you better make sure you guys are on the same page.

Also, what's your wife's character like? Is she someone who will play you out? After all, she can hire a good lawyer to fight for the division of assets and a hefty alimony at the end of the 3.5 years wait. In which case you will lose way more than the 50k to HDB.

As a side note, while you may be having a sexless marriage at this point, it is not a good idea to have relationships with other girls until this matter is sorted out. She can seriously screw you over by accusing you of adultery. I'm not saying she is someone who would do something like that. You are the one who would know her best of all.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your failing marriage. I was in a similar position about a year ago so I can empathise somewhat. Feel free to contact me if you need a bro at this juncture of your life.

Regardless, I wish you all the best. Good luck man.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

just let it go.
in 3.5 years, when you manage to sell your HDB, do you think there will be no problem, obviously your spouse will fight for the $$$ of the selling of your hdb. So, another big issue is waiting to happen.

just let the matter close asap.

it is my opinion only.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Thank you bros.. so far the sentiments is to end it asap, no one has said to recoup financial losses. The only way is through annulment, but it is tricky as it will also require her agreement. She is currently sitting on the fence on this one, unless her friends encourage her in the opposite direction.
Somehow she has quite a few friends who have either annulled or going through divorce. *should have been a red flag but unfortunately i ignored logic.

I hope it is not the case that if she doesn't agree to annulment, I will have no choice but to give in to her wishes and wait for 3.5 years. If that is the case, it is quite a shit situation to be in. I will check with my lawyer on this.


Cleyeo also mentioned the same concern.
3.5 years is not a short time, she might change her words when it comes nearer to the sale and want to fight for more share.
Thanks for pointing this out. Looks like I will have to bring this up with my lawyer when I meet him.

Thanks bros for contributing.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

flat is one part

the marriage came about because of emotions, and when it turns sour, emotions with reign

what happens when you want to date others and she does to?

can she bring them back and fuck in the house? or you?

it happened to my cousins and man it was hell on earth for the 5 years they had to hold their flat

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Sounds like you got an irresponsible wife. My ex wife was like this too. Took me several years to divorce because ex wife wanted maintenance for 'wasting' her youth. Annul since she is ok with it. Let go of that flat and move on. Poorer but wiser.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Try having a heart-to-heart session with her. If you look at it objectively, an annulment can be a win-win situation for both parties. After all, it is the cleanest break you can ever get. In the eyes of the law, it would be as if you guys were never married before. Both of you can move on and find your respective partners without any baggage holding you back.

Let her know that 3.5 years of wait time is no problem for you. A guy at 35 is just as eligible as a guy at 32. At the end of the day, there is no skin off your knees by waiting it out. However, your wife will lose 3.5 child-bearing years. Ask her if this is what she wants. Her biological clock is ticking, while you can just as easily start a family later.

True, you guys would be missing out on a financial windfall at the end of a 3.5 year wait. But IMO, you can't put a price-tag on the lost time. This is something you both have to come to a mutual decision on. Time or money - which is more important to the both of you?

Of course, this is assuming that your wife would be self-sufficient without you. You did mention that she would be stranded without a place to stay if you guys gave up the flat now. Based on that alone, chances are she may not feel safe to go for the annulment route.

In that case, perhaps you can make a Gentleman's agreement with her? Offer to help her find a suitable place to stay, and maybe pay her rent for a suitable amount of time. If you can address her concerns, I believe she would be more amenable to what you have to say.

As she has "quite a few" friends who have gone through divorces, I wouldn't be surprised if they are strategizing on how to maximize her financial gains from this breakup. So let's take a step back and look at things objectively if you're going the divorce route.

If she is paying for the flat alongside you, then yea sure its only fair that she gets 50% as it is a shared asset. In that case, I wouldn't worry if she insists on the divorce route. In the worst case scenario, you'll still find yourself with some financial gain at the end of the ordeal.

However, if she isn't in fact helping out with the flat, you'll still have to be prepared to give up 50%. If you are ok with that, then again, it still isn't a problem.

The problem comes in if you're a Rich Man's Son. As the court's ruling will always take the Women's Charter into consideration, a gold-digger can easily justify that the divorce would substantially lower her standard of living. In which case you will be forced to pay a crapload of money to her in alimony. In that case, you better get a good divorce attorney to advise you on how to protect your wealth.

...

At the end of the day, if you are not an asshole husband, (and assuming she is not an asshole wife) I doubt she would make it too hard on you. Be patient and understanding here. It could have been very difficult for her to come to this decision as well.

So once again assuming neither of you are assholes, I wish the both of you all the best.

Good luck.

Re: To annul or divorce
 

Even not behaving like husband and wife, can still try to be friend friend a bit. No hatred for each other.
Whether its annul or divorce, important thing is to get both parties to come to mutual agreement on how it will be, before filing it to court. This will certainly save u lots of time, money and from stress.
Annulment will cost more than uncontested divorce. Uncontested divorce dont need appear in court. Annulment need, even though its just taking the stand for 5 min. So lawyer will charge u more for court appearance (cause lawyer also need appear in court with u).
Still, these costs are nowhere near to a contested divorce.

1 reason to lure her to go for annulment: After that her legal status will be "Single", not "divorcee". That would probably be more appealing for women :D

Re: To annul or divorce
 

TS, u mentioned that annul option is a 50k loss, but will u be im debt? Debts can haunt u longer than a failed marriage.

If u will end up in debt, i suggest speak to her abt a seperation from now till MOP. With a deed of seperation, u can carry on with your life, and 3.5yrs later get out of this with some profit. Your next phase in life will be financially stronger.

However, if wife is the mental type, u need to annul asap at any costs.