Re: Am I realistic?
 

The world is like this.

If they like you, even if you sneeze or cough, they also find you cute.
If they don't like you, even if you do nothing wrong, they also find you smelly. HAHAHA.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Totally agree on this. Life seems to be weird and universe has it ways of working things out.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

You still love her...

It's okay & only perfectly normal, more so after 20yrs of relationship, thru good times & bad times, & both had given forth birth, the next generations, a combination of both of you & her born out of love & hope - your kids.

You have my deep respect, & as admitted, my & your situation is different. My relationship & commitment to love only lasted a mere 3yrs, without any kids as anchor, but yours was vastly superior to mine...

We are only Humans, & not perfect, but with flaws. I believed that you did your best in attempts to salvage the relationship, for the sake of love & your innocent kids, but I guess the hurt was just too far deep & too late to salvage, often borne by our self presumptions which are only ignorance & taking someone whom we love deep in our hearts for granted ..

Nothing is forever, not even love or hate.. Rather than to live in regrets, RECONCILLIATION, like HOPE, SPRINGS ETERNAL, & love is eternal, such as yours over 20yrs, & is never easily cast aside, as we are Humans, not machines without emotions...

Memories lingers... & hope of RECONCILLIATION is still AVALIABLE.

Often, one out of desperation will only jump from the boiling pot into the frying pan. Never, ever, believe that you wife that you loved over 20yrs is in a better place, more so with kids that she bore for several months out of love between you & her, & the sacrifices you both made for the survival of your kids. Kinship is never easily broken, as we are not emotionless robots..

No one promised life is a bed of roses, & thus no matter how good the one who replaced you as a husband, will face issues too.

If you still truly loved her, despite the hurt & harm done, let it go... Life is more than just sexual relations. Even a mere toy can gratify, but there is nothing that can replace the emotions of love, the touch, the hugs, the kisses, the meaningful foreplay & the aftermath of love making laying in each others arms, that had been truly given & received, often only found in unconditional sacred act of marriage & commitment to each other..

Just be there for her. Let go of the hurts. Start anew as a friend, keep in contact & show your care & concern for her, her kids but be pragmatic, within reasonable bounds. Reconciliation & HOPE is still possible, if you truly love her.. & miss her. 20yrs of relationship is not easily replaced....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HX8cOUqBVQ

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Bro, I am also going through a similar situation as you except mine kids are still young, 4 & 8. Marriage of 10 years and 2 kids couldn’t tied a lady down…nowadays there are a lot of social media platforms, ladies will be comparing and sharing all different pattern of stuffs be it good or bad.

Yes, even through mine also cheated on me but I can’t say I’m a saint too cos I also go outside for commercial. I’m still holding a 1% hope that we can come back together for the family. But the issue is I’m not sure when will it happen and if it will happen at all…the heart and head are spinning all around

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Good place to hang around for guys with heartache ;)

So what's the situation now? Legally still married but emotionally distant? Just curious, where do you think it went wrong, or when? If sensitive to answer, can just ignore.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

We are officially divorced already but I’m still clinging to the slightest 1% hope that she will come back after having her fun outside. Maybe because of the children cos they still recognise her as their mother or the 10 years of time I had with her….

I think lack of communication between us and as most guys behave like a “big man thinking”, she doesn’t really have any say in decisions, so after years of silence, she gave me a bomb that wanted to divorce. I do know she has another guy outside too but that’s another issue because why she has is also partially contributed by me as a lack of listening ear.

As what the above bros say, when the lady want to leave you, anything u do will seem useless by her and she will use any excuses to belittle you too. Just hope time will heal the wounded man eventually.

Wish you all the best, although I'm not too sure about the chances.

At least you know what went wrong in your relationship, with all your big man thinking. I'd say that isn't good, but go the other way also not that good. I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I always try to respect my wife opinions and empathise her POV, but in the end, I enable her to be very stuck in her ways. Doesn't help that she by nature not empathetic at all, and somehow my actions made her think it's ok to not think from other ppl pov, and constantly getting offended by other ppl. I'm very good as a listening ear, and she knows that, but she has no intention of trying to be a listening ear. Any issues, she will say, I'm not a counselor, don't tell me.

Slowly I'm the one gonna be the time bomb

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Every relationship needs to be a 2 way traffic. Won’t work for 1 way

Wish u luck

Re: Am I realistic?
 

In today's world, marriage should be the least important thing in life. You dodged one bullet, wanna hit with another? If you want a woman, no harm in it but don't marry. Live with her without a marriage and if she insists on marriage, find another one. Dont fall into media brainwashing, 50 years for a man is nothing. You can easily find a 35 years old single woman. Just find one who is 15 years younger and change after every 2,3 years.

Re: Am I realistic?
 

TS, what you are saying and hoping is all from your perspective, be it looking for a friend, companion, soulmate or love making partner.

Perhaps you can put yourself in your son and daughter perspective, do they want another woman in the house? Slept in the same room their mother used to sleep?

And if you put yourself in the shoe of this new woman, what is her role in your family? Need to do housework, cook and take care of your kids as you are hoping she can stay with you.

At this moment I would think you are unrealistic but if few years down the road when your children are above 18 yrs old, then this request for "life" partner is reasonable.

All the best!

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Thank you all once again for so many advices and encouragement. Yes, take care of the kids first is most important for now. But if I were to find a life partner, I should also start now. My kids will go NS or uni in a few years. So I think I can start dating soon so as not to be too old then. Like dating during our younger days, there might be hits and misses. Also accounting for the years it takes to build a loving relationship, I don't think I should wait till my kids leaves my care to start. Also by then, the kids should be mature enough to understand that dad also has his needs for companionship. It would be too selfish for me to be in their way of forming their own family.

However my priorities for looking for a partner are these: 1) my kids have to be ok with her 2) she has to be ok with them coz they will still be dependent on me for another 10-15 years? 3) marriage is not really in books, after my experience with my ex, she ok with it? Even if my ex one day wants to come back, I may also offer to "grow old" together (if we can settle
our past problems and I am not committed) but not go through paperwork again.

Frankly, I think my choices will not be a lot like when I was young and single. The ones i may come across are single ladies in 30s-50s and what are their reasons for staying singles till now? Don't get me wrong, everyone has their reasons (taking care of family, career minded when young, had trauma etc) or divorce / widow ladies who may come with their own kids. Do I want to complicate things with combining two families? These are the questions I have ask myself.

Having said these, guess that is really why I started the topic "Am I realistic". Coz are there ladies out there who can accept my 3 points?

No, I wouldn't want her to be involved in my kids. My kids may not want her to as they are young adults. Taking care of the house? My ex has never done that. We had helper. I am still having a helper. Sleep in mother's room? No, we moved out to a new house. It's just daddy's room

Ha ha, I wish I can change partner every 2,3 years but in my 50s? Also, the next one will hopefully be the one we grow old together. Correct me since I have not been in the dating scene but are ladies ok being with a guy without marriage? In my times, ladies will say the guy is just playing around and insincere. They wouldn't stay with you. Has recent ladies mentality changed?

Re: Am I realistic?
 

Ok, hope you will find what you are looking for.

Cheers,
JoannaJourney :)