Betrayed
 

Took me a long while before I decided to seek some advice here.

I’m male, local, married 3 years to a girl that I have known for 11 years.

About a year ago my wife’s behavior started to change. She started to dress up a lot more, started clubbing and I could also sense her becoming more protective about her cell phone. I didn’t give it much thought initially, as I trusted her wholeheartedly and didn’t imagine she would have an affair, but turns out that I should have listened to my guts much earlier.

So I decided to surprise her one day when she said she was working late, went to pick her up from her office. I waited for a long time before I decided to call and she told me she was still working. I sensed something amiss, so I did something I never normally do, tracked her using find my iPhone.

Turns out that she was somewhere nearby, in the middle of a park, not working in office as she said. I proceeded to the location and discovered her making out with another man. My heart sank. I confronted them, and since then I have been on a torturous mental journey.

I asked her all kinds of questions, how long she has been seeing him, how did it happen, did you have sex etc and after heavy questioning she confessed that she had been seeing him for a month, did not have sex, and had been making out only on several occasions. I could not believe it one bit, as she appeared very defensive and only after my heavy interrogation did she reveal more details.

I could not believe my partner of 11 years could be capable of something like this, and I could not believe that it was simply “making out”. Her explanation was sketchy at best and very very brief, so I’m not sure what to think.

What do you all think?

Re: Betrayed
 

When I found out about the affair I pretty much became someone totally opposite of who I was

I wanted to work things out, but she would always retreat and do not want to talk, on the reason that she is scared of antagonizing me further and do not want to hurt me further.

I became super paranoid, so much so that I would follow her just to see if she was lying to me. I checked her phone, something I never used to do before. When she learnt about these she changed her passwords, and stopped me basically from snooping on her privacy. Why do all that if she has nothing to hide? I also found her saving the guys number under a different name a week after I deleted the guys number. When I confronted her she said she forgot to delete as she contacted him to end things.

I became temperamental. All these years I worked hard to pay for our future. I paid for her education, the car, the house, the renovation, most of our outings, and I never asked her to do a job against her wishes. She practically didn’t have to worry about anything financially. When this happened I became extremely unbalanced, unbalanced that she took all these for granted and sought comfort in another man.

I became cold and unpredictable. Before this I could do anything for her. I always spent time with her, listened to her issues at work, and even go pick her up often when she works late even though I’m exhausted myself. It wasn’t exactly a short drive, 30 mins one way. When this happened I just couldn’t help but she betrayed me and destroyed everything we built, or rather I built for he last decade or so.

All that being said I still love her. I want it to work, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I want to believe her, but she is making it so difficult by constantly changing her passwords and denying me the chance to validate her words. I want her to go back to who she was before, but at the same time I am concerned she will feel restrained and cheat again. I want to be myself again, but all these thoughts and all these loose ends just keeps resurfacing and my ugly side comes back out.

What can I do?

Re: Betrayed
 

Been there before.
She still wants to continue the fling with this guy.
Leave her.
Sounds like you have a significant age gap (as you're sponsoring her education previously).
Most likely the new guy is younger and fitter looking...
End the traumatic relationship. But be prepared to lose a lot in the divorce settlement....

Re: Betrayed
 

I'll be perfectly blunt. She does not love you anymore so it is time to move on.

If she still loved you she would be putting a lot of effort into making amends after being caught.

Being paranoid and constantly checking on her is not going to help matters. If she has the hots for some other guy trying to prevent them from meeting or communicating will only make matters worse.

It's a sad state of affairs but it is very common for relationships to end up this way. It has nothing to do with how you have treated her.

I have come across girls that have treated their guy like shit despite the fact that he treats her like a princess.

Conversely I have known girls to be crazy over a guy who treats them very badly.

Logic does not apply when it comes to matters of the heart.

Re: Betrayed
 

That is why I am reluctant to get married even though I am more than comfortable to get married. Never trust anyone, especially woman and the more dangerous the prettier they are (advice from ZHANG WU JI's mum). It is human nature to betray. Hard to find one that doesn't. It definitely feel painful to be hurt by the one whom ur hand been feeding all this while.

For the sake of the bros here. Please advise after getting divorced( In the worst situation), how much she will take from ur fortunes (housing, money and children etc) even though u have proof of her betrayal. Even though she is the one being wrong, once women chapter steps in, we guys will still be in the losing end right? Better if you can get advise from ur lawyer what are the necessary papers to be signed before marriage to protect our own interests. It is even more sucky to be hurt and yet still have to pay for getting rid of this kind of pest. Please help to advise, we can learn from you. Not say I totally don't want to give some to the wife (if have), I would split evenly whatever we have bought after marriage but wanna keep those I originally have before marriage only.

Re: Betrayed
 

On average I'm paying about S$4000 per month for spouse support, property repayments (yup, she got the house) and children's education, tuition etc.
Am renting a room now and have to work overtime...

Re: Betrayed
 

such stories pretty common nowadays.
whatever the price, your best outcome is to end this relationship / marriage.
After that, can start your life anew.
1 to 2 yrs later, U'll be glad u took that step to end it.
Yes will lose a lot in divorce. Minimise the loss, gather evidence of her adultery activities. Submit these in court, make judge more sympathetic to u, make u pay less.
After that just move on with your life. :)

Maybe u still love her and wanna savage this.
But it will never be the same again.

And i dont believe she hasnt had any sex with other guy/guys too.
Try having sex with her and see her mood. Probably she wont even agree to do it with u ever again.

Re: Betrayed
 

Are u in the wrong? U got caught cheating???? If u are in the wrong, then I have no comments la. TS situation is quite different. If you are in the same situation, holy shit, i'm not getting married. I only going to have incubated children only. IN sinapore, divorce is too unfair to us guys.

Re: Betrayed
 

I honestly think that commercial sex is the way to go. It's cheaper, more enjoyable and offers far more variety.

For example instead of trying to persuade a wife to have a threesome all you need to do is book two girls for a tarma session.

If you want anal sex offer the right girl enough money and your wishes are granted.

The $4000 per month could you buying you $400 high quality fucks 10 times a month which is more than twice per week. This is far more sex than most people get from their wives after a few years of marriage.

The best part of the deal is you don't have to fuck the same girl 10 times a month you can have a fresh new face on a regular basis.

Once in a while you can treat yourself to a high quality $2000 fuck and you'll still be saving money compared to what a marriage costs.

Re: Betrayed
 

In this twisted world unfortunately that logic is correct...
The loneliness is biting though...
But what price companionship? Perhaps a price too high for most men to bear.

Re: Betrayed
 

I'm no saint and I've had ONS and paid for FLs.
Went slow after marriage....
Never a long-term affair though.
And I was never caught cheating.
Was chased out of the house by the ex-wife who collaborated with her parents.
Telling me that I was useless and that my job as a photographer was worthless and that I had no real qualifications.....
This to hide the affair.
I was working overtime to meet ends meet and working weekends.
She was going out for fucks at 5 star hotels with the old man while her mum took care of the kids.
Hell, they even invited the old man over for dinner at home while I was away at work.....

And evidence means jackshit in court.
I had a friend who hired a PI who caught her ex-husband and his mistress hugging and holding hands. And entering a hotel room together.
She submitted the evidence in court and it was thrown out for not showing intimacy and being obtained through illegal means...

Re: Betrayed
 

The problem is that finding companionship in a wife is the exception rather than the norm.

Men have to take part of the blame for this because they choose the girl that is the most attractive and the best fuck at the time rather than someone that they could bond with on a more spiritual level.

In order for a marriage to work a wife has to be best friend first and foremost. Sex should be secondary. This is because friendship based upon common interests and value systems will far outlast the sexual part of the relationship.

Re: Betrayed
 

That is highly idealistic.
It takes years to really know a person.
I didn't know what my wife was for sure.
I'm sure TS will also question who's behind that Brilliant Disguise.
To quote Bruce Springsteen...

Re: Betrayed
 

I would like to present her side to the story.

She said she felt bored/distracted, and has since professed that she was wrong. Since the incident, while she has been changing passwords etc, I admit that I have given her a very hard time and severely invaded her privacy by following her, trying to install spyware (but failed) and also doubted what she told me by asking her to show me evidence of where and who she is with (pictures etc)

She said that me being like this is causing her pain and is driving her away, and I know that for a fact, she has been more of an escapist all these years.

The guy isn’t even handsome, in fact, I’m way better looking, fit, and only slightly older. She is just a couple of years younger than me. She told me it is a momentary fling and she wanted to end it even before I discovered it.

With all the emotional roller coaster going on, she has asked me for time alone to sort out her thoughts and to reflect. She told me she wants to save the marriage, wants us to go marriage counseling (but only after I keep being warm and cold unpredictably, guess she cannot handle it).

Since that 2nd time when I found the guys number I have not found any other signs of her contacting him, but they are colleagues thus I don’t know about office communication etc.

She does seem like she wants to make amends, putting in effort for our new house, and also trying to reassure me more.

That being said, I just don’t feel she is fully disclosing. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it, and as a result pushing her away.

Re: Betrayed
 

Sorry and one more thing to add, she said she only started doing those things she don’t normally do as she felt her biological clock is ticking and she knows she cannot do all those things once we have a child.

I am not female thus I don’t quite understand this thoroughly.

Appreciate all the feedback so far, hope there are female opinions as well to give me a female perspective