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Matters of the Heart. Has a Commercial Fuck turned into a torrid Love Affair which has turned your life upside down? Fear not. We have experts here who can help you through your roller coaster ride. Tell us your story and we'll do our best to help.

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  #1  
Old 10-12-2018, 01:39 PM
nanakochang75 nanakochang75 is offline
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Self-justification

Hi bros and sis, this is my first posting in this part of the forum, i hope to seek some advice regarding my situation. Pardon the length of my post as i have bottled up my feelings for a long time.

I have been married for 14+ years and had a lovely 8 yo son, however, after the birth of my son, my wife had unknowingly developed some form of post natal depression which manifested in the form of OCD. Her OCD triggered series of behavioural changes which started off with frequent use of wet wipes to wipe hands, handbags, handphone and whatever she brings out of home and washing of hands.

It progressed to demanding my son and me to do the same and not a day gone by without the family dispensing an obscene amount of wet wipes and tissue paper in the wastepaper baskets resulting from a complete wipe down of everything that has gone out of the house or brought into the house (e.g. groceries, packed meals etc).

Needless to say, there were frequent quarrels and arguments becos of this since no matter how much we tried, my wife will never be satisfied. Unreasonable demands like throwing away eggs that has feather or whitish looking marks on them, leaves that dropped into our balcony have to be removed and the area to be cleaned with wet wipes or disinfectants are just daily affair in my house.

I had a hard time convincing her to acknowledged that she has OCD and we have seen counsellors and psychiatrist who prescribed drugs for her that may have caused her to put on weight and she is now blaming me for that. The treatment was not too effective as she is reluctant to take the medications.

With this, it is inevitable turn our already not so exciting sex lives goes deep south, since she emphasized so much on cleanliness. Believe it or not, the longest stretch that we did not do the deed was almost 1 year, all the while i have been either been using my trusty right hand with visual stimulation or visiting freelance masseur who will use their hands, only on a few occasions that i really had sex with them as i felt guilty. As a results of frequent self-service, i began to lose interest in the actual act, that could have led to me having ED as i am more familiar to my hands. Even when i am trying to penetrate, i couldn't last long as the sensation was too much for me to last.

To be continued....
  #2  
Old 10-12-2018, 01:42 PM
nanakochang75 nanakochang75 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

I am in my early 40s and i felt frustrated having to suffer this episode of my life despite me trying to give my all to the family. I felt that i should be more sexually active at this age, whether within the boundaries of legal marriage or outside. I realised that i may not have much time before age really derives my hormones down. I have brought some mens supplement to address my ED and PE problem but where can i use them for if my wife is making sex like a 'clean room' process. I am starting to look for FL but i have to address to my guilt.

So you see, bros and sis, i am trapped between my conscience (against sex outside) and my physical condition.. i really hope that my wife's condition can improve somehow but i have my needs also. Does my situation justify me to visit FL to address my needs and brings me back to the feeling of having sex instead of hand so that i could keep my ability current and when my wife does improve, i can keep it up.

Pls dun zap me but give me your advise. Thanks.
  #3  
Old 10-12-2018, 03:10 PM
larue larue is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Hopefully none of this is affecting your son too much. Is he coping well with his mother's behavior?

When did you confront your wife about her OCD problem? And when did she commence her drug therapy? You mentioned the problem started shortly after the birth of your boy.

I know how hard it can be to live with someone with behavioral issues like these, and seemingly no way to help them break out of it for the good of everyone else under the same roof.
  #4  
Old 10-12-2018, 03:54 PM
nanakochang75 nanakochang75 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

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Originally Posted by larue View Post
Hopefully none of this is affecting your son too much. Is he coping well with his mother's behavior?

When did you confront your wife about her OCD problem? And when did she commence her drug therapy? You mentioned the problem started shortly after the birth of your boy.

I know how hard it can be to live with someone with behavioral issues like these, and seemingly no way to help them break out of it for the good of everyone else under the same roof.
That is something that i do not know yet, my son knows that it is not normal and he seems to be trying to conform. Privately, i did talk to him to let him know that this is not normal but that mom is trying to change that.

It is alright in the first few years, except that i noticed that cleanliness is being emphasized which i felt it is reasonable for young child but it gets worse in recent 2 years and we start seeing counsellors last year and psychiatrist this year. She acknowledged this problem and wanted to change but it seems like when she takes every step forward, she will take 2 backwards very soon.
  #5  
Old 11-12-2018, 01:59 AM
fallen11 fallen11 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

I think insanity is a valid reason for divorce. You may want to research a bit on this as your last resort.
Sorry to make u go into the dark side.

I know its very hard to handle such issues.
Usually people who are insane will not know they are.
  #6  
Old 11-12-2018, 06:20 AM
nanakochang75 nanakochang75 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

I understand what you guys are saying and honestly i have thought about that too, however, i did not want my son to suffer this. I am also hanging on to the slim hope that things will be back to normal one day and the vow that i made on my wedding day.. "in sickness and health", she is sick and i am suffering, both are true but does that warrant me to walk out of this? Honestly, i do not have the courage to go down that road as i do not know how she and my son will take it.

Right now, i am looking for ways to keep my mind from this, diverting my attention while i think of the next step.
  #7  
Old 11-12-2018, 01:38 PM
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Re: Self-justification

Consider it as karma....perhaps u owe her in past life....Now got to repay ..
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  #8  
Old 11-12-2018, 02:43 PM
larue larue is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Quote:
Originally Posted by nanakochang75 View Post
I understand what you guys are saying and honestly i have thought about that too, however, i did not want my son to suffer this. I am also hanging on to the slim hope that things will be back to normal one day and the vow that i made on my wedding day.. "in sickness and health", she is sick and i am suffering, both are true but does that warrant me to walk out of this? Honestly, i do not have the courage to go down that road as i do not know how she and my son will take it.
If you are willing to hang on and try to get things back to the way they were, then you really have to think about sitting down with her and setting ultimatums.

I cannot picture the extent of her problem, but will assume it is really is that bad it is interfering with the normal functioning of both you and your son's lives.

Tell her you and your son cannot live like this anymore, and she has to change and you will be there to help her. Which I am pretty sure you already have, but the absence of consequence might be why she's still behaving the way she does.

Tell your son that your doing this, and why without over complicating it. Affirm your love and affection for him, do not ever let him feel confused about it, and at any point feel he is in any way to blame.

Children are more emotionally mature than we give them credit for, its adults behaving loudly and badly that does their heads in. Keep a cool head around him even if she loses hers.

After all your attempts at soft persuasion, maybe you simply have to knock some truths into her: that her behavior is simply causing you and your child to suffer and she has to stop.

Threaten her with divorce, and if that still doesn't work, your only options would be to really go ahead and leave, and take your son, or shut up and live with it.

As for your sexual needs, I have neither advice to give nor judgement to pass, but definitely do not be caught because that really will complicate things for you.
  #9  
Old 11-12-2018, 02:44 PM
larue larue is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Quote:
Originally Posted by kim-seng-heng View Post
Consider it as karma....perhaps u owe her in past life....Now got to repay ..
Strictly for the birds.
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Old 11-12-2018, 09:03 PM
fallen11 fallen11 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Quote:
Originally Posted by nanakochang75 View Post
I understand what you guys are saying and honestly i have thought about that too, however, i did not want my son to suffer this. I am also hanging on to the slim hope that things will be back to normal one day and the vow that i made on my wedding day.. "in sickness and health", she is sick and i am suffering, both are true but does that warrant me to walk out of this? Honestly, i do not have the courage to go down that road as i do not know how she and my son will take it.

Right now, i am looking for ways to keep my mind from this, diverting my attention while i think of the next step.
Yes true, u had the wedding vows.
But if she refuses to seek treatment, even god wanna help her also cant do anything.
If she accepts help, seek treatment etc, yes u should at least stick with her a bit more and try out together.
As for your son, probably also not in his best interest & safety to continue living with a mentally unsound mum.
If court knows your wife is mentally unsound, judge would unlikely award the custody to your wife. Unless u are proven to be more dangerous than an insane woman.
And be prepared if u proceed with divorce and successful in divorce + custody of son, your wife given her mentally unsound state, might probably just end her life.
I'm sorry to say but if the one mentally unsound was u, its highly likely your spouse would do that to u too if u refuse to even seek treatment and help for the mental condition.
  #11  
Old 12-12-2018, 02:46 PM
nanakochang75 nanakochang75 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Just wondering that in my wife's condition, would it consider mentally unsound? Just saw a report recently that 7 out of 10 people would suffer some form of mental-related condition (depression, compulsion disorder etc) some time in their life.. Does it mean that many of us will be mentally unsound at some time?
  #12  
Old 12-12-2018, 02:54 PM
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dodo654321 dodo654321 is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Quote:
Originally Posted by nanakochang75 View Post
Just wondering that in my wife's condition, would it consider mentally unsound? Just saw a report recently that 7 out of 10 people would suffer some form of mental-related condition (depression, compulsion disorder etc) some time in their life.. Does it mean that many of us will be mentally unsound at some time?
Different stage and state of Mental Disorder.
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:59 PM
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Re: Self-justification

Quote:
Originally Posted by nanakochang75 View Post
Just wondering that in my wife's condition, would it consider mentally unsound? Just saw a report recently that 7 out of 10 people would suffer some form of mental-related condition (depression, compulsion disorder etc) some time in their life.. Does it mean that many of us will be mentally unsound at some time?
Different stage.
I see your wife case as quite serious. Any deterioration i would classify it as dangerous / life threatening.
Dont take my word for it though, just a personal view.
I'm no doctor.

The 7/10 mostly are mild cases of mental disorder.
So mild that even not seeking any help would probably cure it by themselves.

Who wouldn't feel depressed during a bad stage of their life? Life is full of ups & downs, surely most people would feel near / mild depression at some stage of their life. Many of them survive without seeking help, and viewed life even more positively after that.
Depression doesnt mean it has to be so bad that the patient need to think about killing himself. Only when it reached a late stage then would.
  #14  
Old 06-01-2019, 12:42 AM
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Re: Self-justification

Ts, your wife needs professional help. And if she is unwilling to do it herself, you should consult professional psychologist/psychiatrist, and maybe contact imh to get advice on what your options are to force her into care.

It's very painful for you and for her and also for kid. But ts, you have to see bigger picture and make sure she gets the care she needs.

I am not a professional. But I'm looking at your story from your wife's perspective. I'm a sufferer of depression, anxiety, and a certain degree of psychosis and paranoia. I waited very long before I sought help. The drugs allowed me to function as a worker and a parent.

But sad to tell you, cures are rare and don't come quickly. Mental illness is almost like life sentence. Coping strategies through medication or some other stuff is necessary.

Also not surprised your wife reject treatment. To accept is to acknowledge that something is wrong. Can't be us. Must be other people got something wrong. Also there's a fear of being stigmatized. Even for me, right now I would be doing better if I had some help/medication, but I'm still refusing it.

I've told my wife before that I'm sorry I'm like this, we have other problems between us, but at least my mental state is an open problem we can discuss. She's a part of the cause but not all of it.

Anyway ts- get help. Get advice.
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Old 06-01-2019, 01:22 AM
larue larue is offline
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Re: Self-justification

Quote:
Originally Posted by leakypipes View Post
Ts, your wife needs professional help. And if she is unwilling to do it herself, you should consult professional psychologist/psychiatrist, and maybe contact imh to get advice on what your options are to force her into care.
Unless he can convince the police that she poses a danger to either herself or other persons, there is no way to force her to seek treatment. Unless it is clearly life threatening, no one can be forcefully compelled to seek psychiatric treatment.

He did say she has undergone treatment, but he has not provided any information on how she has responded to any of the treatments.
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